Zebra Frog's Musings On Life

  Everyone is sick of how complicated I am, and of taking me to the ER, and dealing with my reactions. No one gives a damn about how I feel.  No one stops for a fucking minute to consider how hard this is on me both physically and mentally.   How hard it is to live not only in fear of another reaction, but also of people's anger because of it.   I hate having to depend on people to do my shopping, take me to the doctor and ER and wherever else I get to go -  just in case I end up in the ER.   I'm sick of it.  I feel like no one cares to even try to understand.   No one cares about leaving me alone in the ER while I'm fighting the reactions. They don't even want to understand how lonely it is for me.   They seem to think that just because it happens so frequently I should be used to it and it's no big deal.   They're wrong.  It's ALWAYS scary and lonely and each one is harder to deal with. I want someone to stay with m...

     God, I'm angry. And scared.  But mostly angry.  I know it's okay to be angry as long as I don't let it lead me to sin - but I don't like this feeling.  I'm so full of rage and fury.  I want to punch something, or destroy something, or get on my treadmill and run twenty miles.   The latter I am currently unable to do - especially with the bronchitis.  The former I won't do.   But that leaves me feeling stuck.  What do I do with these feelings?  How do I let them dissipate?     What are you so angry about, daughter?  I'm here and I'm listening.     For starters, I'm angry with Steve for cheating and pursuing divorce.  I still love him.  I wanted forever with him and I'm so mad and hurt      That makes sense.  It's okay to be angry that he broke his promises to us both and hurt you!  Even in your pain, daughter, never forget that I love you.    W...

 Dear God,           Jennie Allen's book is teaching us to notice or feelings, even just "ok" or "not ok".  Right now I am NOT OK.  Actually, the song by Jelly Roll is worded exactly how I'm feeling right now.  Can you tell me WHY you're not ok tonight, Daughter?       Yes.  Well for one, I'm so very tired of living in this broken body. Is anything specifically wrong in your body?       Yes.  My mast cells are jerks, my immune system doesn't function well even though my IgG levels are stable, and this dumb sinus infection is going into my lungs.  And WHY is my foot taking so long to heal?  I'm tired of this boot!  I know it's better than the hard cast that Dr. Brittany wanted to do, but I'm still tired of it.   I  know, I know.  Tendons take time to heal and the Ehlers Danlos just complicates it all. Yes, daughter, that's all true.  Remember that you currentl...

 Dear God,    I struggle so much with feelings of guilt and shame.  I feel guilty for staying too long in my first marriage and letting my babies be harmed for too long.  I feel guilty that their father is such an evil person and hurt us all so badly over the years.  I feel guilty that Steve - the man they loved as a daddy, turned into a total jerk and broke their hearts.  I feel guilty for getting cancer six years ago when they were younger, and for the fear that put them through.  I feel guilty for being a disabled and chronically ill mom.  It's not fair for them to grow up like that.  I feel guilty for not being able to do everything with them or give them everything.  I feel guilty for being unable to work and provide things I want to for them.  I feel guilty for getting fat and sick and making Steve stop loving me.  I feel guilty that I'm no longer able to be the person he loves and is proud of.  I feel guilty fo...

 Dear God,     I don't like the cycles of grief!  Why can't I just work through each one and then be done?  I had been doing fairly well - not crying every day, minimal panic attacks, leaning more on You, writing, an discovering more about myself.       Today, however, I've been a little more angry and sad and on the verge of tears.  I wonder if the lesson for this week's grief group triggered me?  It's on guilt.  I haven't journaled it out yet.      Maybe it's the full moon?   Maybe it's my mast cells howling at the full moon?  Maybe it's just grief.  I don't know.  I don't like it, but I know that I have to sit with my feelings and feel them.  In Untangle Your Emotions by Jennie Allen, I'm learning that my feelings come from You - even the ones I don't like.  I don't like anger or sadness.   I'm learning that I most often *cope* with my emotions using food (since I c...

 Dear God, I'm cranky today.  I really don't like this anger and irritability part of grief.  I don't like the season I'm currently walking through.  I NEVER EVER thought that I'd be facing divorce and living without my best friend.  It's difficult.  Some days all I can do is cry.  Other days the depression wins and I'm numb.  Some days teh irritation and anger take over and I want SO BADLY to punch something.  Other days I stress eat.  I want to go for a 20 mile treadmill run - but with my foot being messed up I can't even walk 2 miles.  I KNOW that You are with me and leading me, and I am thankful, really I am.  I don't like this pain, God.  I just want it to go away.  It just plain sucks!!!    God, I know You have plans for me, including the book that You keep nudging me to write.  Sometimes I'd love just a glimpse into my future -but I know that You are teaching me deeper trust in You during this se...

 Dear God,     Thank You for today.  Thank You for the strength to mow half the yard today.  It was a great stress reliever.  I've missed mowing so badly.  Thank You for the answer to prayer about Amanda and the 26 year old.  I'm sad that we were right about him being a pedophile, but glad she's free of him.   Thank You for the Captivating study.  I really loved it!    Thank You for Mary leading, and for Kelly, Cam, Karlie, and Julie.  Please help me calm my anxiety and fears.  Help me follow You wherever You lead me.  Please heal my marriage, or bring me a man who is deeply in love with You.  Tattoos would be a nice bonus!  :)     I LOVE my curls!      Things I'm learning how to do alone:  - Sleep - with my comfort cross in my hand.  If I drop it I wake up. - Watch TV - Including Criminal Minds - Clean the sink and tub drains - Cooking and eating

Dear God, Sometimes the urge to punch something or throw a screaming fir is almost overwhelming.  I need to release my pent up anger, fear, rage, anxiety and heartbreak before they consume me.  I used to be able to jump on my treadmill and run it off, or swing kettlebells & dumbbells, or do Les Mills Combat.  Now, my body betrayed me and I physically can't.  I want to go hiking, but only on  rare occasions do the stars align to make that safe.  Even sitting in the yard is not without risks from the sun or pollen or getting stung.  The more my body takes away, the more anger and despair I feel.  I am feeling betrayed by Steve and am being mentally and emotionally abused by his use of fear.  That's hard to admit.  I NEVER thought he would be like that - especially after knowing my past, going to counselling and seeing it firsthand from my parents, sister, and Bud.  I am 100% dependent on him for our home and all of the bills....

 Dear God,  Forgive me for being bitter.  I'm struggling deeply today with anger and bitterness.  PLEASE help me to get rid of it.  I don't like to be angry or bitter.  I'm scared of what's going to happen when Steve finally files for divorce.  I'm angry with Bud for his continual lies about a truck for Truman.  I'm angry with Cam's ex husband for seriously neglecting Luca.  I'm angry with Shane for how he's treating Cam.  Today Karlie told me that God has been telling her to encourage me to keep working on my book because it is  a message that people need!!   I fought my fears today and talked to Cam on the phone for an hour.  I was WONDERFUL. Notes from Captivating Zoom:  I compare myself to my pre-chronic illness self, or to able bodied people. Neither of which is fair.

      Once again, my wedding song is playing, this time on my Spotify Liked list - which is currently up to 3,066 songs.  Once again?  Yes.  This has been happening once a day or every few days for just over a year now - ever since Steve told me he was leaving and that our 11 year marriage was over.          The first time I heard it, the pain was intense and I sobbed and turned off the radio.  The second time I also sobbed, but let it play.  Same with the third time, fourth time, fifth time, etc.  It was tempting not to listen to music at all, but music is like reading and writing to me.  It's as essential as breathing.        It became such a notable pattern that I started to ask God why the song kept playing, because I know that He uses music to speak to me, and the repetition had to be Him trying to get my attention.  Obviously it worked.      First He revealed tha...

 Disposable  People are disposable. I am a disposable human. I'm only good until something  better different  more fun falsely whole  comes along. Then I'm discarded like trash beside the road, until life happens  and they need advice, information, a scapegoat  a memento to be marched out  and shown off, proving how good they are and what a burden I am. Afterwards, when my usefulness is done  I'm tossed aside again  more worn and broken  with innumerable oceans of tears flooding my heart and soul.

  Fear Ice cold chills running down my spine. Hands shaking like leaves in a storm. Nausea rises from my stomach  choking me. My face and chest get hot. My heart races  My vision goes dim as all sounds fade. Suddenly my hearing intensifies. I am on high alert frantically searching for danger. My eyes twitch. More heat creeps up my face & chest as I start to sweat.  I notice a metallic taste in my mouth  before it goes dry and I am unable to swallow. My head throbs and I feel faint.

 Dear God,   This shit day needs to end already.  It's only 5:24pm and I am DONE.      Holy trauma day! Amelia ran and I had to chase her in 82% humidity.  That set off the first asthma attack in ????? I tangled with a thistle and have a left shin full of heat and hives.   Amanda called both of her brothers crying - but not me.  Mas - the male rottweiler - got into a huge fight with the foster dog who doesn't get along with any other dogs.  Kristy got in the middle and got her arm torn up so badly that U of T trauma surgeons aren't sure if they'll be able to give her use of her arm or feeling in it. (This just increases my  fear of dogs).   Bud put Max down on the spot, in front of Amanda, who had raised him from a puppy.  Amanda also had to clean up all the blood and chunks of both dogs and Kristy's arm. I talked to Steve on the phone.  I love him and miss him and my heart is broken.  

      Dear God,  Today I am feeling very anxious and angry.  I wonder if the anger is from the anxiety.  I'll have to loook that up later and see.  Anxiety is for multiple reasons.  #1 Tomorrow is Dad's birthday, which is the 13th anniversary of when my parents tried to put me in full lock down and I escaped to Aaron Wilkins' house with Steve, Bud, and the kids.  @2  Steve not living here since January& not knowing for sure what he's going to do.  More on this later.  Things that are making me angry today are issues with a friend, my headache from the storms, my MCAS, my CVID, feeling trapped in my castle like Rapunzel. My parents telling me they're done with ER visits and infusions - even though they'd do both for Suzanne in a heartbeat.  I feel like I shouldn't be bitter about it, but I am.  I'm going to do my 5 Mile walk dvd to relieve stress.

  October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  This is a topic that holds many emotions for me.  For 13 years I lived in an increasingly violent relationship turned marriage.  For most of those 13 years I lived in terror.   However, I still felt that it was better than the toxic household I grew up in, and for a long time I didn't realize that my ex was worse than my parents. People who live in a domestic violence situation often don't realize the truth about the relationship until it's too late to get out.  Most dv relationships don't start out abusive.  The person starts out love bombing, being your soulmate, and learning as much as they can about you to use against you at a later date.  By then it's too late.   However, if you look back closely, there are signs from the start that perfect isn't what it seems.     Domestic violence is far more than just physical.  It can also be sexual, mental, emotional, rel...