Domestic Violence Awareness Month

 October is Domestic Violence Awareness month.  This is a topic that holds many emotions for me.  For 13 years I lived in an increasingly violent relationship turned marriage.  For most of those 13 years I lived in terror.   However, I still felt that it was better than the toxic household I grew up in, and for a long time I didn't realize that my ex was worse than my parents.

People who live in a domestic violence situation often don't realize the truth about the relationship until it's too late to get out.  Most dv relationships don't start out abusive.  The person starts out love bombing, being your soulmate, and learning as much as they can about you to use against you at a later date.  By then it's too late.   However, if you look back closely, there are signs from the start that perfect isn't what it seems.    

Domestic violence is far more than just physical.  It can also be sexual, mental, emotional, religious, financial.  I experienced all of these from my ex husband.   

Physical abuse isn't just punching, hitting, kicking, strangling - though it can be all of those.  It's also throwing things (furniture, weapons, tools, etc) at a person, punching walls next to their face, breaking glass to rain down on them.  Wikipedia defines physical abuse as "any intentional act causing injury, trauma, bodily harm or other physical suffering to a person or animal by way of bodily contact."   In my marriage I had tools thrown at me and lodged in my shin, glass punched and broken over my head and next to my face, furniture (curios, sofas, a double bed, book shelves) and books thrown at me.  He also kicked and hit the kids and dog.

Sexual abuse is defined as "abusive sexual behavior by one person upon another.  It is often perpetrated using force or by taking advantage of another."  Rape is a form of sexual abuse, and in spite of what many people think, rape can happen in a marriage.  Another form of sexual abuse (which I also experienced) is insisting on sex in public places with people around, going weeks in the summer without showering and forcing sex, forcing sex on the floor next to the toilet, and forcing acts that are not wanted.

Mental abuse is defined as "the use of threats, verbal insults, and other more subtle tactics to control a person's way of thinking.  This form of abuse is especially disturbing because it is tailored to destroy self-esteem and confidence and undermine a personal sense of reality or competence."  Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse.  Some examples of mental abuse in my marriage were isolating me from friends and family, threatening to kill the dog, threatening to harm people, telling me that I can't work out b/c he liked me fat (ie: so no one would want me), flying into rages, threatening to kill himself if I didn't do whatever he was telling me to, telling me that no one liked him and that I didn't love him b/c I wouldn't give in to whatever he was in a rage about, etc.    

Emotional abuse is defined as "non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you.  These may present as threats, insults, constant monitoring, excessive jealousy, manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, or dismissiveness."     My ex constantly threatened me, had to know where I was and who I was with at every single second of the day, intimidated me by proving how strong and violent he was and reminding me of the terrible things he'd done to people and animals (such as nailing people to walls using a nail gun).  He also had friends in law enforcement threaten me and told bill collectors to rough me up because I was hiding their money. 

Religious abuse is defined as "abuse administered through religion, including harassment or humiliation that may result in psychological trauma. It may also include the misuse of religion for selfish, secular, or ideological ends."    My ex, my mother and some of her siblings often used the Bible against me to prove how wrong I was for wanting to leave, for being unhappy in my marriage.  Many many churches and religious people tell women that they must obey their husbands, even in situations of domestic violence, because the man is the head of the household and the woman must submit to him and change for him.  I believed those lies for FAR too many years and did everything I possibly could to change.  My mother and (now ex) best friend always tole me that I needed to clean better, cook better, keep the kids in line, and f*&k him more.  Obviously, no matter what I tried, nothing worked.  

Financial abuse is defined as "a common tactic used by abusers to gain power and control in a relationship, including concealing information, limiting the victim's accessibility to assets and reducing access to the family finances."     My ex was a pro a this one also.  He'd give me just enough money to barely buy groceries with, then take the rest of my check for "rent" (which I later learned was spent on the dozens of other women he was with).   He stole from the kids piggy banks, his parents, and anyone else he could buffalo.  He also refused to pay rent, so we lived in 12 different places (including the basement of friends, and twice with my parents) in our ten years of marriage.

Most victims try half a dozen or more times to leave before they finally get free.  This was true in my case also.  The night it finally stuck was the night I was talking with my "best friend" via text, about how to get free,  and my ex got extremely angry (I later found out that they'd been sleeping together since we were married) and attempted to strangle me in a bedroom in my parents home.  God gave me the strength to get free of him by pinching his hand, and to tell him that it was totally over.     For the first time ever, he listened.  

The most dangerous time in the life of a domestic violence victim is when they attempt to leave.    After I'd left him, he would follow me around in his work truck, with at least one gun and knife, calling my phone every 30 seconds and leaving obscene messages screamed on my voicemail about how he was going to find me and kill me.  Many women aren't as lucky as I was to escape alive.

Once a person DOES leave domestic abuse, they absolutely need counseling.  I went through a year of domestic violence counseling with an amazing counselor, then had several sessions with an amazing pastor who had also been a domestic violence victim and truly helped me to turn my thinking around.  I am forever grateful to both of them.

I honestly don't know what the solution is to domestic violence, but I do know that it can happen to men or women, and I have worked hard to teach my children how to recognize it and what to do if they find themselves in that situation.    I will never stop speaking out and sharing my story, to hopefully help even one person.