Letters to God 10-24-24

 Dear God,

I'm cranky today.  I really don't like this anger and irritability part of grief.  I don't like the season I'm currently walking through.  I NEVER EVER thought that I'd be facing divorce and living without my best friend.  It's difficult.  Some days all I can do is cry.  Other days the depression wins and I'm numb.  Some days teh irritation and anger take over and I want SO BADLY to punch something.  Other days I stress eat.  I want to go for a 20 mile treadmill run - but with my foot being messed up I can't even walk 2 miles.  I KNOW that You are with me and leading me, and I am thankful, really I am.  I don't like this pain, God.  I just want it to go away.  It just plain sucks!!!

   God, I know You have plans for me, including the book that You keep nudging me to write.  Sometimes I'd love just a glimpse into my future -but I know that You are teaching me deeper trust in You during this season.  Thank You for never leaving me, and for always loving and guiding me.  Thank You for the most amazing people who you have put in my life.  Lord, I trust Your plans for my life.  Thank You for the people I have yet to meet.   Please let one of them be a tattooed man who loves you! 


   When I met Steve I fell deeply in love with him.  He was the answer to my prayers.  He loved me and the kids.  I don't know when he stopped loving us.  Or why.  What did I do wrong, aside from getting cancer and chronic illnesses?  Is he truly broken?  Or is he so shallow that he can't handle having a fat wife:  The answer to the latter is apparently yes.  It breaks my heart, but he has told me MANY times that he's not attracted to fat women.  He has also told me that he hasn't been attracted to me since my double mastectomy to flat - which has been obvious.  Sometimes I think it would be easier if he died.  Knowing that he has chosen someone else instead of doing the work on our marriage is crazy painful.  When he told me that we would work on it, what he meant was that I would do exactly what he wanted the way he wanted.  When I couldn't live up to his demands, he got mad.

I may be able to forgive his infidelity, but what I CAN'T live with is the (obviously) intentional abuse....hiding his socks under his dresser and getting mad at me when there weren't any in the dresser.....and telling me that my meds were making me crazy and not care.  These are a few things that only Steve knew that Bud had done.  


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