Conversation with God

 Dear God, 

         Jennie Allen's book is teaching us to notice or feelings, even just "ok" or "not ok".  Right now I am NOT OK.  Actually, the song by Jelly Roll is worded exactly how I'm feeling right now. 

Can you tell me WHY you're not ok tonight, Daughter?

     Yes.  Well for one, I'm so very tired of living in this broken body.

Is anything specifically wrong in your body?

     Yes.  My mast cells are jerks, my immune system doesn't function well even though my IgG levels are stable, and this dumb sinus infection is going into my lungs.  And WHY is my foot taking so long to heal?  I'm tired of this boot!  I know it's better than the hard cast that Dr. Brittany wanted to do, but I'm still tired of it.   I  know, I know.  Tendons take time to heal and the Ehlers Danlos just complicates it all.

Yes, daughter, that's all true.  Remember that you currently live in a broken world, but it's not your true home.  Your true home is with me in  heaven.

     You're right.  Thank You for the reminder.  I'm sorry I was cranky.

It's okay.  I'm glad you came to talk to me instead of numbing your feelings.  However, I think that you're not okay about more than just your physical body, am I correct?

     Yes, God, of course You're correct.  

Would you like to talk about it?

       Ok. I will.  God, I'm scared about my future, about where we will live and when we will get a house, and where it will be, and if it will be safe for my MCAS.

Remember, Daughter, live in today.  Tomorrow I will give you the strength for that day.  Just trust me.  Now, what else is bothering you tonight?

     Yes, you're right.  I DO trust You.  I'm sad.  I really loved Steve - and honestly I still do.  I'm sorry that I made him a heart idol.  I miss having a companion.  Well, a human companion.  I have You with me always, and I love my furry companions. I know he's not healthy to remain in my life, but it hurts.  However, it also hurts that he can be so cruel and abusive.  I should have listened to You sooner, God. 

It's ok, daughter.  You are forgiven.  I'm so sorry he hurt you.  I'm sorry that I had to allow it, but you needed to see him for who he is so that you could let go.  He was in your life for a season and a lesson.  Don't worry, daughter.  I have much better in store for you than what you are leaving behind.  Each season in your life has purpose, and prepares you for what comes next.  Trust me, you'll love it.

     Thank You, God, for my life.  Thank You for loving me enough to allow the hard seasons to change me and grow me.  Thank You for putting people in my life who love me.  Thank You for our QPlace group meeting today.  Thank You for the renewed relationships with my parents.  Thank you for my wonderful cats and dogs.  Thank You for my AMAZING children, and the gift of writing.  I love You, God!

I love you, too, Daughter. 


Am Not Okay
Song by Ashley Gorley, Jelly Roll, and Kaci Brown

I am not okay
I'm barely getting by
I'm losing track of days
And losing sleep at night
I am not okay
I'm hanging on the rails
So if I say I'm fine
Just know I learned to hide it well
I know, I can't be the only one
Who's holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it's all said and done
I'm not okay
But it's all gonna be alright
It's not okay
But we're all gonna be alright
I woke up today
I almost stayed in bed
Had the devil on my back
And voices in my head
Some days, it ain't all bad
Some days, it all gets worse
Some days, I swear I'm better off
Layin' in that dirt
I know, I can't be the only one
Who's holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it's all said and done
I'm not okay
But it's all gonna be alright
It's not okay
But we're all gonna be alright
Gonna be alright
Gonna be alright
I know one day
We'll see the other side
The pain'll wash away
In a holy water tide
And we all gonna be alright
I know, I can't be the only one
Who's holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it's all said and done
I'm not okay
But it's all gonna be alright
It's not okay
But we're all gonna be alright
I'm not okay
But it's all gonna be alright

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