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No One Cares

  Everyone is sick of how complicated I am, and of taking me to the ER, and dealing with my reactions. No one gives a damn about how I feel.  No one stops for a fucking minute to consider how hard this is on me both physically and mentally.   How hard it is to live not only in fear of another reaction, but also of people's anger because of it.   I hate having to depend on people to do my shopping, take me to the doctor and ER and wherever else I get to go -  just in case I end up in the ER.   I'm sick of it.  I feel like no one cares to even try to understand.   No one cares about leaving me alone in the ER while I'm fighting the reactions. They don't even want to understand how lonely it is for me.   They seem to think that just because it happens so frequently I should be used to it and it's no big deal.   They're wrong.  It's ALWAYS scary and lonely and each one is harder to deal with. I want someone to stay with m...
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Letters to God 6/9/25 I'm Angry

     God, I'm angry. And scared.  But mostly angry.  I know it's okay to be angry as long as I don't let it lead me to sin - but I don't like this feeling.  I'm so full of rage and fury.  I want to punch something, or destroy something, or get on my treadmill and run twenty miles.   The latter I am currently unable to do - especially with the bronchitis.  The former I won't do.   But that leaves me feeling stuck.  What do I do with these feelings?  How do I let them dissipate?     What are you so angry about, daughter?  I'm here and I'm listening.     For starters, I'm angry with Steve for cheating and pursuing divorce.  I still love him.  I wanted forever with him and I'm so mad and hurt      That makes sense.  It's okay to be angry that he broke his promises to us both and hurt you!  Even in your pain, daughter, never forget that I love you.    W...
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Conversation with God

 Dear God,           Jennie Allen's book is teaching us to notice or feelings, even just "ok" or "not ok".  Right now I am NOT OK.  Actually, the song by Jelly Roll is worded exactly how I'm feeling right now.  Can you tell me WHY you're not ok tonight, Daughter?       Yes.  Well for one, I'm so very tired of living in this broken body. Is anything specifically wrong in your body?       Yes.  My mast cells are jerks, my immune system doesn't function well even though my IgG levels are stable, and this dumb sinus infection is going into my lungs.  And WHY is my foot taking so long to heal?  I'm tired of this boot!  I know it's better than the hard cast that Dr. Brittany wanted to do, but I'm still tired of it.   I  know, I know.  Tendons take time to heal and the Ehlers Danlos just complicates it all. Yes, daughter, that's all true.  Remember that you currentl...
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Letters to God 1-16-25

 Dear God,    I struggle so much with feelings of guilt and shame.  I feel guilty for staying too long in my first marriage and letting my babies be harmed for too long.  I feel guilty that their father is such an evil person and hurt us all so badly over the years.  I feel guilty that Steve - the man they loved as a daddy, turned into a total jerk and broke their hearts.  I feel guilty for getting cancer six years ago when they were younger, and for the fear that put them through.  I feel guilty for being a disabled and chronically ill mom.  It's not fair for them to grow up like that.  I feel guilty for not being able to do everything with them or give them everything.  I feel guilty for being unable to work and provide things I want to for them.  I feel guilty for getting fat and sick and making Steve stop loving me.  I feel guilty that I'm no longer able to be the person he loves and is proud of.  I feel guilty fo...
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Letters to God 1-13-25

 Dear God,     I don't like the cycles of grief!  Why can't I just work through each one and then be done?  I had been doing fairly well - not crying every day, minimal panic attacks, leaning more on You, writing, an discovering more about myself.       Today, however, I've been a little more angry and sad and on the verge of tears.  I wonder if the lesson for this week's grief group triggered me?  It's on guilt.  I haven't journaled it out yet.      Maybe it's the full moon?   Maybe it's my mast cells howling at the full moon?  Maybe it's just grief.  I don't know.  I don't like it, but I know that I have to sit with my feelings and feel them.  In Untangle Your Emotions by Jennie Allen, I'm learning that my feelings come from You - even the ones I don't like.  I don't like anger or sadness.   I'm learning that I most often *cope* with my emotions using food (since I c...
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Letters to God 10-24-24

 Dear God, I'm cranky today.  I really don't like this anger and irritability part of grief.  I don't like the season I'm currently walking through.  I NEVER EVER thought that I'd be facing divorce and living without my best friend.  It's difficult.  Some days all I can do is cry.  Other days the depression wins and I'm numb.  Some days teh irritation and anger take over and I want SO BADLY to punch something.  Other days I stress eat.  I want to go for a 20 mile treadmill run - but with my foot being messed up I can't even walk 2 miles.  I KNOW that You are with me and leading me, and I am thankful, really I am.  I don't like this pain, God.  I just want it to go away.  It just plain sucks!!!    God, I know You have plans for me, including the book that You keep nudging me to write.  Sometimes I'd love just a glimpse into my future -but I know that You are teaching me deeper trust in You during this se...
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Letters to God 7-18-24 9pm

 Dear God,     Thank You for today.  Thank You for the strength to mow half the yard today.  It was a great stress reliever.  I've missed mowing so badly.  Thank You for the answer to prayer about Amanda and the 26 year old.  I'm sad that we were right about him being a pedophile, but glad she's free of him.   Thank You for the Captivating study.  I really loved it!    Thank You for Mary leading, and for Kelly, Cam, Karlie, and Julie.  Please help me calm my anxiety and fears.  Help me follow You wherever You lead me.  Please heal my marriage, or bring me a man who is deeply in love with You.  Tattoos would be a nice bonus!  :)     I LOVE my curls!      Things I'm learning how to do alone:  - Sleep - with my comfort cross in my hand.  If I drop it I wake up. - Watch TV - Including Criminal Minds - Clean the sink and tub drains - Cooking and eating
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