Zebra Frog's Musings On Life

Dear God, Sometimes the urge to punch something or throw a screaming fir is almost overwhelming.  I need to release my pent up anger, fear, rage, anxiety and heartbreak before they consume me.  I used to be able to jump on my treadmill and run it off, or swing kettlebells & dumbbells, or do Les Mills Combat.  Now, my body betrayed me and I physically can't.  I want to go hiking, but only on  rare occasions do the stars align to make that safe.  Even sitting in the yard is not without risks from the sun or pollen or getting stung.  The more my body takes away, the more anger and despair I feel.  I am feeling betrayed by Steve and am being mentally and emotionally abused by his use of fear.  That's hard to admit.  I NEVER thought he would be like that - especially after knowing my past, going to counselling and seeing it firsthand from my parents, sister, and Bud.  I am 100% dependent on him for our home and all of the bills....

 Dear God,  Forgive me for being bitter.  I'm struggling deeply today with anger and bitterness.  PLEASE help me to get rid of it.  I don't like to be angry or bitter.  I'm scared of what's going to happen when Steve finally files for divorce.  I'm angry with Bud for his continual lies about a truck for Truman.  I'm angry with Cam's ex husband for seriously neglecting Luca.  I'm angry with Shane for how he's treating Cam.  Today Karlie told me that God has been telling her to encourage me to keep working on my book because it is  a message that people need!!   I fought my fears today and talked to Cam on the phone for an hour.  I was WONDERFUL. Notes from Captivating Zoom:  I compare myself to my pre-chronic illness self, or to able bodied people. Neither of which is fair.

      Once again, my wedding song is playing, this time on my Spotify Liked list - which is currently up to 3,066 songs.  Once again?  Yes.  This has been happening once a day or every few days for just over a year now - ever since Steve told me he was leaving and that our 11 year marriage was over.          The first time I heard it, the pain was intense and I sobbed and turned off the radio.  The second time I also sobbed, but let it play.  Same with the third time, fourth time, fifth time, etc.  It was tempting not to listen to music at all, but music is like reading and writing to me.  It's as essential as breathing.        It became such a notable pattern that I started to ask God why the song kept playing, because I know that He uses music to speak to me, and the repetition had to be Him trying to get my attention.  Obviously it worked.      First He revealed tha...

 Disposable  People are disposable. I am a disposable human. I'm only good until something  better different  more fun falsely whole  comes along. Then I'm discarded like trash beside the road, until life happens  and they need advice, information, a scapegoat  a memento to be marched out  and shown off, proving how good they are and what a burden I am. Afterwards, when my usefulness is done  I'm tossed aside again  more worn and broken  with innumerable oceans of tears flooding my heart and soul.

  Fear Ice cold chills running down my spine. Hands shaking like leaves in a storm. Nausea rises from my stomach  choking me. My face and chest get hot. My heart races  My vision goes dim as all sounds fade. Suddenly my hearing intensifies. I am on high alert frantically searching for danger. My eyes twitch. More heat creeps up my face & chest as I start to sweat.  I notice a metallic taste in my mouth  before it goes dry and I am unable to swallow. My head throbs and I feel faint.

 Dear God,   This shit day needs to end already.  It's only 5:24pm and I am DONE.      Holy trauma day! Amelia ran and I had to chase her in 82% humidity.  That set off the first asthma attack in ????? I tangled with a thistle and have a left shin full of heat and hives.   Amanda called both of her brothers crying - but not me.  Mas - the male rottweiler - got into a huge fight with the foster dog who doesn't get along with any other dogs.  Kristy got in the middle and got her arm torn up so badly that U of T trauma surgeons aren't sure if they'll be able to give her use of her arm or feeling in it. (This just increases my  fear of dogs).   Bud put Max down on the spot, in front of Amanda, who had raised him from a puppy.  Amanda also had to clean up all the blood and chunks of both dogs and Kristy's arm. I talked to Steve on the phone.  I love him and miss him and my heart is broken.  

      Dear God,  Today I am feeling very anxious and angry.  I wonder if the anger is from the anxiety.  I'll have to loook that up later and see.  Anxiety is for multiple reasons.  #1 Tomorrow is Dad's birthday, which is the 13th anniversary of when my parents tried to put me in full lock down and I escaped to Aaron Wilkins' house with Steve, Bud, and the kids.  @2  Steve not living here since January& not knowing for sure what he's going to do.  More on this later.  Things that are making me angry today are issues with a friend, my headache from the storms, my MCAS, my CVID, feeling trapped in my castle like Rapunzel. My parents telling me they're done with ER visits and infusions - even though they'd do both for Suzanne in a heartbeat.  I feel like I shouldn't be bitter about it, but I am.  I'm going to do my 5 Mile walk dvd to relieve stress.